Frustration Share

These pictures show a few of the things (physical therapy + my inversion chair) that I was doing pre-surgery as part of the conservative approach to dealing with herniated discs. Spoiler alert - they didn't work.

In honor of today being the last work day of this mental health month of May, I wanted to share one final entry of my personal musings.  I wrote this last entry at the beginning of May.  It's clear to me as I read it again that my energy has shifted somewhat.  Recovery has faded to the background (although the pain is very much still present) as the pandemic and other emotional pressures have come to the forefront.  I hope that others who are job searching during this time or feeling uncertain about their futures might gain some insight through reading this.  Or at least understand that they aren't alone.

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Holy moley. Re-reading that was a whirlwind of emotions for me just now. I’m now about 6 months post surgery and recovery is still extremely slow and variable. It doesn’t help that we are now in the era of COVID-19 and social distancing that comes with it. I hate to feel like I’m saying ‘woe is me’, but seriously?! It seems like I can’t catch a break.

After surgery, I went back to finish up my masters degree. Oh ya, I still had finals and final presentations to complete two weeks after surgery. I’m sure I could have gotten extensions, but of course I wanted to push through. I’m too type A for my own good sometimes. I was given heavy drugs, like oxycodone, and told to take as many as I wanted to manage the pain. It terrifies me the number of pills that I was given and the liberal attitude that was taken with dosage. It makes sense that we have an opiod problem, when the communication surrounding usage isn’t really all that serious. I didn’t take that many of these hardcore pills, both because I’m stubborn and also because opiods interfere with your digestion and I was struggling with stomach pains and lack of regularity. I believe it was only four days before I tried to switch over to ibuprofen instead. I was still in pain, lots of pain, but I was also just laying on the couch and sleeping. I slept harder than I probably had in years and was still exhausted most of the day. My body didn’t feel like my own. I started rewatching the USA series Psych and finished 4 seasons in a matter of a week.

I was only home post surgery for one week. Then, I went back to school. One of my classmates was nice enough to pick me up and bring me to campus, as I couldn’t drive. And she thought I was crazy for coming back so quickly. She was such a great support during the last little bit of school. I don’t think that I could have done it without her. (I hope you know who you are when you read this!!) She and I both ‘graduated’ after that winter semester. We both have our diplomas, but won’t get to walk in our graduation ceremony this May because of COVID-19. She got a job a month or so after school with a segment of the government that deals with agriculture and I am beyond proud of her. I unfortunately haven’t had such luck on the job front.

What I want to do is quite niche. I want to get into corporate wellness and help employees be healthy while they work. I had a very negative work experience right out of undergrad when I worked for Amazon as an area manager. Long story short, I was treated like a number, not a person. I was a good manager and delivered on the metrics that the company cared about, but what the company didn’t seem to care about was my health. I struggled with the decision to leave the job because everyone tells you that you have to stay at least a year in your first job out of college. I made it 9 months with Amazon before I finally decided that my health was more important than any job.

From there, I got certified as a personal trainer and started working in the industry, while considering what I wanted to do next. My experience at Amazon inspired me to find a different path - one that brought me to corporate wellness. I searched for graduate programs in nutrition science which incorporated behavior change and found the Friedman School at Tufts. I moved to Boston before I got in, which was ballsy. But, I had the confidence that I would get in because I knew this was the right move for me.

Cut to now (late May) and how I really only had about a month and a half of ‘normal’ job searching before the COVID-19 outbreak started to really eff things up for me. Most companies put hiring freezes into place in February or March, with no real knowledge about when they would be resuming. Well isn’t that just peachy?

I get to where I’m supposed to be, start dealing with a chronic pain illness, push through grad school while trying to heal conservatively, FAIL healing conservatively, but continue to complete graduate school, even when I have surgery right before my last round of finals. I take the month of December after finals to try and take it easy and enjoy some family time around the holidays. And then, boom. A month and a half into my job searching, the world starts to shut down. Slowly at first, and now we have to wear masks whenever we enter buildings and are told to pretty much stay home.

Whatever progress I was making in building strength and healing from my surgery felt halted as gyms closed and I couldn’t go to my physical therapist anymore. I tried to get motivated to do at-home workouts and keep up with my exercises that I would normally do in PT, but I was definitely slumped into a bit of a depression. I had been pushing and pushing and pushing to do everything right and here was another roadblock. I felt like I had been slapped in the face, hard. So hard, in fact, that I didn’t want to get back up at first. Do you know that feeling? You’ve been struggling with something and fighting to get through it, and just when you see a bit of sunlight peeking through and think you might be approaching the end of the tunnel….you get knocked back. It turns out that there is a false summit on the mountain you are climbing.

I don’t like to admit when I’m struggling. Even though I’ve become much more adept at acknowledging emotions and knowing what I might need, I absolutely HATE when I don’t know how to keep going. I have an amazing support system of friends and family and have been trying to get better at utilizing them, but some days I don’t want to talk to anyone and just need to sit in those feelings of anger, confusion, frustration and sadness.

On the job search front, I have been feeling as if I am worthless. Job searching in general is a trying task and many individuals I’ve known have felt the same way as I am now. Constant rejection from companies, or even no response at all to a job application, is one of the most exhausting things. I put myself in a more challenging position because what i want to do is sort of niche, but it is also incredibly important.

I’ve been networking and getting referrals from individuals I’ve connected with via that networking. I’ve been continuing research on topics that interest me and would be of concern in the field that I am trying to get into. I’ve been taking online courses, utilizing my time to continue to learn. I have been blogging during the outbreak about how employers are treating their employees and how important mental health is during this time. I’m not surprised to see that others are also struggling with the feelings of uncertainty. Many are being forced to adapt to a whole new ‘normal’, whether it means working from home full-time, being furloughed or even being let go and trying to navigate unemployment.

I am surprised that my nerve pain changes day to day. Even though I feel that my physical situation is better than it was before surgery, I am constantly trying to notice what might increase my pain levels from the chronic baseline that I still exist at. I’ve been trying to hike, but longer distances aren’t always do-able. I’ve attempted to add yoga back in, but can’t bend forward to touch my toes without a shooting pain down my right leg STILL. I’ve modified yoga poses and still do practice once or twice a week, but sometimes this practice can be frustrating as hell. In fact, life right now could be described in the same way. Frustrating.

The weather hasn’t been all that helpful either. It’s May and it snowed here in Massachusetts. Where the hell is spring? Taking walks and getting outside, while still maintaining social distance, has been a challenge because Mother Nature seems to be manic during this time too. If Mother Nature can’t keep it together, I take this as a sign that it’s okay to not be okay right now.

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss being able to go to events and beer gardens and concerts and restaurants. I blogged about this Harvard Business Review article that talks about how everyone is feeling the grief of loss right now and it was very eye-opening. It does feel similar to the loss of identity that I experienced with my back journey. My first blog post, in fact, was a self-portrait of myself being a golden retriever. This type of pup goes insane if kept cooped up and not able to play with others.

I had planned three bachelorette parties this year (2020) and had four weddings to attend. Two of the three bachelorette parties have been cancelled, with no real idea of when or even if we will be able to reschedule. I have two boxes of goodies for those parties just sitting in my bedroom, unsure if they will see the light of day. Custom t-shirts, glow sticks, eye gems, sashes and glitter temporary tattoos. I mourn the loss of celebrating my friends. All four weddings have already been moved. I try to remind myself that if the weddings are moved, there is still time for the bachelorette celebrations and this does help somewhat. I feel like I have almost lost a year of life though.

Will we actually get our summer this year? I miss beaches and swimming. My family had planned a graduation party for me this June, but we’ve sent a message to all the guests that it is postponed. We don’t know when it will actually be though. Things that warrant celebration have passed by as if they don’t matter. I should be psyched about the master's degree, but I haven’t celebrated at all. Birthdays during this time are even somewhat depressing. My roommate and I organized a Zoom birthday call for our other roommate and she was so moved by seeing all of her friends that I could have sworn she almost cried. We are all struggling with the uncertainty and confusion that these ‘new norms’ have us feeling.

There are, of course, silver linings. While they can be buried under all of the sludge, they are still there if you look hard enough. Like I’ve said, I’ve become more in touch with my emotions and needs. I think we, as people, have increased our flexibility, even if it was a bit forced. We’ve had to get creative and think outside the box. This outbreak might have broken some out of a mundane cycle. And even though I don’t think that I would say that I am glad that we are in this situation, I do think that I’ve been able to pull out bits and pieces of positivity and that is what’s keeping me going.

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Just because we are close to the end of May doesn't mean that you should stop supporting your mental health.  In all honesty, I think every month should be mental health month for a good long while.

-Vicky