Stoplight
For me, therapy has always been a space where I am able to get vulnerable and real with someone who really doesn't know me. And even though it happens every time I return to therapy for support, I'm always surprised to hear the shock that many mental health professionals have at my steadfast and lofty standards, for myself exclusively. These standards, of course, began for me at a very young age.
In psychology, the concept of nature vs. nurture is often discussed. This is the idea that both nature and nurture play a role in how someone turns out. Experiments have shown that even identical twins can develop significant differences when they grow up in different environments. Most research, however, eventually posits that both nature and nurture matter and each can affect an individual's development to a relatively equal amount.
My question is then, do we naturally tend to bring certain aspects of how we were 'nurtured' into our adulthood? Are these patterns we should try to break? CAN we even break them?
I sometimes find myself plagued by the circuitous pattern that it seems a number of other millenials are feeling: burnout from taking on too much, brief joy upon completion of tasks, and then confusion and/or guilt when I try to let myself take a break or do something for myself because I feel like I'm wasting time.
I've always been pretty type A. I don't really understand people that are comfortable doing the bare minimum. I can't imagine turning in work that I'm not proud of, or even worse, not turning it in at all.
With the swerve that was my spinal surgery & the necessary changes I've had to make in my life, this type A personality can sometime be detrimental. I seem to keep picking things that aren't helpful for my state of mind right now. To be fair, the past few years have been a very turbulent time just across the board. But that doesn't mean that it's any easier to pick up new (exclusively low-impact) hobbies.
One new technique that this therapist has me trying is to identify each day's chronic pain at the beginning of the day, on the spectrum of a stop light. Red is for days where the pain feels unbearable, like I don't even want to exist because I can barely do anything. Yellow means the day is moderate. I am very consciously aware of the pain, but it's not the only thing I can focus on. And finally green, the most rare of the three. A green day means I'm not constantly noticing the pain, but instead can manage to move and exist without it distracting me.
With these categorizations, I'm trying to learn how to work around my chronic pain when I can. It's not easy... as the 'color' often changes throughout the day. I'm working on this particular skill because it's been challenging for me to openly communicate how my pain is to my partner and others around me. I don't like that I'm dealing with this chronic pain & it frustrates me that it's so invisible to everyone else. I'm used to not needing to ask for help, or ask others to slow down, or even saying no to an activity I want to do, but probably shouldn't based on where my pain is.
I imagine that if I saw the 'stoplight' of my chronic pain, I would wonder if something was going on with the electrical power.... it wouldn't consistently change in any set pattern, but instead jump around for seemingly no reason.
I had a conversation with someone recently, on a red day. I was telling them how I had slipped at the top landing of my stairs and landed on my elbow and back, hard. I had a friend visiting and was immediately embarrassed that it happened and felt tears well in my eyes from the pain of impact. They didn't witness the fall, but heard it and immediately came running. I was able to pull it together and keep myself from falling any further, but knew that I'd be paying for it later.
And of course, I wasn't wrong. I spent the day icing my back on and off and trying to focus on anything but how disappointed and mad I was as myself for allowing the incident to happen, between work meetings. The friend who was staying with me was taken aback when I told them this, reassuring me that it was just an accident and that no one is perfect.
I'm working on acknowledging that, on a red day, I need to push back against my brain & the negative thoughts, allowing myself to be LESS productive than I am on a yellow or green day. My therapist has told me that I also need to remind myself that my productivity is, in general, quite above average, as far as those more "normal" days that I have.
She's also (somewhat correctly) described how I have basically lived in a pressure cooker most of my life, and so it makes sense that I struggle to take pressure off of myself.... even when I know some of it is unnecessary. We've talked about how I can't help but get frustrated by other humans when they seemingly give zero shits about anyone else than themselves out in the world. I find myself asking 'Why don't I care less & be like them?' but then 5 minutes later, I'm angered by that thought. I mentioned the word 'cognitive dissonance' during this discussion because I truly feel as if my brain is battling itself on these items.
On the one hand, life would be much easier if I could ignore others & focus on what I truly need. On the other hand, I become livid when I see individuals so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't notice when they are actively blocking others or rudely bumping into them. I've thought about this when it comes to the simple act of walking on a sidewalk down a street. If I didn't ALWAYS move over & think about the other person.... I'm sure I would bruise a few shoulders or knock things out of folks' hands as I passed by. But then also, WHY am I expected to move always? Why is the onus on ME to be the more aware or be the better person? From here I could spiral downwards, getting angrier and angrier. I have a thought that I'm NOT going to move next time.... but then I always do.
I honestly don't think I WANT to change how I am... I pride myself on being thoughtful... but it's incredibly frustrating when you realize that you are the 1%, so to speak. It seems like very few people prioritize others in the broad sense. This reminds me again of the only bumper sticker I have on my car. It says "I hope something good happens to you today". In my experience, this sticker's message isn't like most bumper stickers. It's not touting that I've run a marathon, or bragging about where I went to school. It's not showcasing where I've traveled or confusing other drivers because they have no idea what it is. It's just trying to put some good into the world.
And while I have my moods & sometimes absolutely lose my mind at the inconsiderate nature of most of the population, I have to believe that it is better to do good and try to put good into the world than not.
So I'll continue to try... and when I slip up & yell... I'll do my best to do it where no one can hear me (like inside my car where my Jersey shows in my 'Nice blinker, asshole!')
<3 Vicky
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