Waves

I've recently started doing some research on the recommendations for women when they begin trying to conceive (TTC - a new abbreviation that I've become aware of).  The internet, as many of us know, can sometimes be a bit of a black hole.  You go in looking for one thing and come out with a million more questions and even more confusion than you started with.  Which is why, I didn't JUST go to the internet.  I also sent texts out to all of my friends who are already mommas and asked them to share with me what they did during this stage.

What I received from friends was a sense of excitement that this journey was close to beginning for me, knowledge sharing about what worked for them, questions about the timing we were considering, and ultimately just support and an offer of being there for whatever questions come up during my research & the process in general.

I maybe shouldn't have chosen the week of my period to dive into all of this.... as most women know, hormones do tend to drive our brains a little bit crazy during parts of our cycle.  BUT, a lot of starting this journey requires being aware of what's going on during periods.  I downloaded & paid for a period tracking app (Flo) that was recommended for me by a few other mothers I know.  

Unfortunately for me, a lot of this process of TTC requires you to raw-dog life.  Soon, I won't be able to have a glass of wine after a challenging day.  I won't be able to lean on medical marijuana for my (invisible to most) chronic pain.  I've continued to push myself towards lower impact activities - I've been swimming 1-2 days a week most weeks and trying to give myself grace when I feel too tired or have too much pain, but I have days where I just feel rage about being forced to change.

My pain has so greatly impacted my outlook on life.  It has me considering why I try so hard.  I wonder if people see the effort where they can't see the pain.  I've seen these videos on social media where it seems like young children are discovering that they have free will for the first time.  A child in a dance recital will suddenly decide she or he is making up their own moves - dance instructor be damned!  The joy on this child's face is always so pure and innocent.

Yet, when we get to adulthood, our choices have to be calculated.  We don't have the same freedom to act impulsively, or at least, most adults don't act only on impulse.  The world and life are, unfortunately, more complicated now.

I look at my pup, Puck.  He's sort of been practice for little ones, but was supposed to be easier.  Instead, on days like today when he's working from home with me and it's a rainy day, I find myself feeling like the worst dog owner.  He looks at me with such longing to go outside and play fetch with his ball and whimpers when I tell him it's too rainy.  I still put on a rain jacket and take him on walks with an umbrella.  He wants to just BE outside because he's so bored, but I have work calls and emails to respond to and can't give him all of my time.

I want to know - why can't I balance ten spinning plates anymore?  I used to be so much better at that.  It seems like lately I'm dropping the ball in multiple regards.  I don't feel close to my family anymore - there's been drama surrounding them for the past 4 years and I don't know when or if things will settle.  I feel deprioritized at work, sharing ideas that seem to be ignored.  My partner doesn't seem to understand my perspective.  And even Puck's 'pay attention to me' eyes call me a failure.

I used to be able to take a deep breath and let the emotions wash over me like waves.  They'd ebb and flow, but ultimately they'd pass.  I wouldn't get swirled up in a rip current, like I feel I am now.  I do know the way to get out of a rip current.  You don't swim against it, you pivot and swim parallel to the current until you can get out of it.  

It feels like the past 8 years, since my back issues started, I've been swimming parallel to the largest rip current to ever exist.  And it sometimes seems like I'll drown before I escape.  I've lost so much of what used to make me who I am.  No longer do I have those rose colored glasses, always filled with optimism and hope.

I had to take a pause from writing here to go do a workout on my Peloton.  I was getting worked up and now know enough when to step away from a feeling before it becomes dangerous.  I did a 45 minute ride and I went hard on the bike.  Unfortunately for me, that did mean that my leg responded with a flare up over the next two days.

As I've been thinking about what it means to start a family and even just BE a part of a family, I have been looking for answers all around.  I had the opportunity to celebrate the wedding of one of my husband's siblings recently.  It was a beautiful day and it was so wonderful to have everyone together in one place.   I walked away from that weekend really feeling like I was building a new branch on my family tree.  But, as fate would have it, my loud Jersey self rubbed some people the wrong way that weekend.  

I didn't know this until a few weeks later, when I received a long text.  It told me all the things it was thought I did or say, most of which were untrue.  My immediate reaction was surprise.  Then, all I could feel was hurt.  I wrote back to apologize for any feathers that I might have ruffled and to say I was sorry that they felt this way, but asked for an opportunity to rebuke some claims.  I wasn't really given it.  I wanted to be remembered as the person who brought dachshund post-it notes & collected messages from guests, but I'm not even sure the couple realized that I was responsible for that doggie detail.

I've struggled most of my life with using my own energy for myself.  It's something I've actively been working on with my therapist and I do think I've made some progress.  But, I also think I have a long road ahead.  And learning how to do this will take a lot of trial and error.  This experience with my husband's family made me realize that so much of our world is subjective.  I can do good and have the best intentions, but through the eyes of someone else, I'm just a loudmouth.  I have a hard time accepting that anyone who I should consider family would accept another's view of me at face value, without at least talking to me.  But, I don't control others.  I can just try to control myself.

As I think back to the metaphor or a rip current, it seems like holding onto anger would just mean fighting until you drown.  Yet, allowing oneself to get stuck in the feeling of hurt could also lead to drowning.  Drowning, by the way, is one of my biggest fears.  I love to swim, and snorkel, and just be in the water, but the idea of not being able to breathe is terrifying to me.  So what options are left, beyond feeling angry and hurt?  I'm still working towards the answer on that one.

I often think about the power of the ocean, as an entity, with some level of envy.  Everyone loves the beach. The sound of the waves is often used to gently lull people to sleep.  Yet, beneath the surface, the ocean wields incredible power, through current and creatures.  Much of the ocean's power is still unknown to us.  Instead of invisible pain, the ocean has invisible power.  I so wish I could swap my invisible pain for invisible power, but alas, I am not the ocean.  I am just a body, drifting in the waves, trying to figure out my way back to shore.

It's a long journey, and often extremely trying..... but the only way out is forward.

<3 Vicky