Younger

I have two fabulous friends who both work in the TV/film industry as second assistant directors.  I wish I could say that I was even one tenth the connoisseur of their art as they are, but sadly I only dabble.  I just recently started watching a show that one of them worked on a few seasons of - Younger.  More on that later...   

This weekend, I found myself getting the scary news that one of my best friends was suddenly in the hospital.  This friend is a generally healthy, active, and wonderful individual.  Their partner texted me early one morning that they had an arterial dissection on the back of their head at the base of their neck.

I'm not happy to share that I've actually had two other close friends go through something terrifyingly similar over the past few years.  Neither of these friends were really given a clear answer as to why they had these episodes.  The recovery, though lengthy and requiring close monitoring near the date of the incident, did bring these two friends back to their normal selves.  I have to keep hoping that this friend will see the same.

The minute I heard that my friend was in the hospital, I immediately cleared all of my plans for the weekend.  I had a hard time focusing on work on Thursday and Friday.  I wanted to reach out, drive there, just do SOMETHING.

Instead, life had to move forward.  I got occasional updates from my friend's partner, but I had meetings to be on and work to get through.  Not to mention, a puppy who needed a walk.  I don't blame my friend's partner for not giving me more information.  I can't even imagine being able to function if I were in their shoes.

It's so much easier for me to jump into action to do anything for my friends, yet taking time for myself is something that I genuinely struggle with.  So when I found myself with a day to myself with nothing planned because I wasn't sure if I was going to have to drive to see my friend, I also found myself with overly critical thoughts and anger at my own stupid chronic pain situation.

I had 4 doctor's appointments last week.  A physical therapist. A couples' therapist. A pelvic floor physical therapist. & a spine specialist.  I have another 3 this week.  Both PTs and an MRI.

But.... then I get to go on vacation.

Talk about a big hit of GUILT.

Even if I'm in pain, I'll be on a tropical island... not a hospital bed, for a whole week.

That's the issue with chronic pain.  You can really grit & bear it.  For most situations.  Those who truly bear the brunt of it are your family and immediate friends.  The people who you have to lean on in times where you can't keep it together.  Or who have to deal with your shorter than normal temper that sharp pains with each step invite.  If you don't share details of your situation with others, they will tend to assume based on appearance.  And, with chronic pain, it often appears as if everything is just fine.

Wow. So I started this post by mentioning my friends & to get back to that... As I said, I just recently started watching a show that one of them worked on a few seasons of - Younger. 

The premise of the show is this: a 40 year old divorcee lies about her age to get back into the publishing industry in NYC.  The main character feels guilt over the lie, but needs to continue to ruse to basically keep her job because her web has gotten too tangled. 

As I've been getting older myself, it was really the investigation of the different generational perspectives within the show which caught my attention.  Suspended in between the two groups the show examines, I've found it somehow both fun and depressing to watch the differences.  From things like how I've found myself further from knowing what phrases all the cool kids are saying & actually not minding (fun).  To how I can't imagine the continual late nights anymore because I'm always exhausted (depressing).

Yet, I do find myself missing the laissez-faire attitude of my 20s.  It was so much easier in the past to embrace the excitement (& sometimes productivity driving anxiety) of juggling responsibilities betwixt the theme parties, work/school & girls nights.  Now, I feel like the majority of my energy goes to not honking at the person who very clearly doesn't know the rules of a traffic circle while I'm driving the same route that I always do to pick up my dog from his daycare twice a week.

This show also has me thinking about the idea of imposter syndrome.  I've always had a picture of who I thought I was as a person at my core.  Yet, the past few years, I've been finding myself needing to rethink if those are still true.  Am I still an athlete even though I don't really play basketball much anymore and have limitations on what types of exercise I can do?  Am I someone who gives back enough even though I don't have much time for volunteer work lately?  Am I even an optimist anymore with how often I can find myself thinking negatively with my pain?

Since I started this post, my friend has made incredible improvements towards recovery.  They will be moving into a rehab center for what promises to be a rigorous and challenging recovery.  I can only hope that I can encourage them to stay strong through it all by sharing my own experiences.  

I have a shirt that says a phrase that, unfortunately, has been on repeat in my head for years now.

Healing isn't linear.

There are ups & there are downs.  It can often feel like a roller coaster, which I happen to hate.  And sometimes the only thing that will get you through the day is a good cry, a scream into a pillow and the support of a partner or friend, who will just listen and tell you how much the situation sucks.

As I've been watching Younger, I also find myself wondering if I didn't experience enough when I was younger.  Many of the characters in the show are self-focused, but I haven't really ever been great at focusing on myself.  It's something I think I inherited from my mother & have been grappling with for much of my life.

The idea of loyalty to family & doing what needs to be done for the family unit is something that both of my parents firmly believe.  I've seen them making sacrifices for my brother and I as we were growing up without any complaint.  It's hard to break away from the expectation that we too must sacrifice sometimes for the greater good of family.

When I look at my parents now though, I can sense that they might feel as if they too have missed out.  They talk about wanting to travel and experience the world, but I only see it happening when I drive the planning.  I don't even want to mention how many unused United airlines points my mother has from the countless work trips she's been on throughout her life.

Yet, I still don't really want to be more self-focused.  It's my body that demands it.  Ageing is inevitable and we all will have to shift how we care for ourselves as things begin to deteriorate.  I don't mean to sound as negative as I do some days, but I also don't think I'd be helping myself any if I didn't allow myself to feel what emotions come up.

On a brighter note, I think I've decided that I want to try out one of those smash rooms that I've been hearing about.  Breaking some shit seems like a fun alternative stress reliever that would be pretty satisfying.  Who or whatever I'm mad at my day can be focused into breaking plates & throwing stuff around in wild abandon.  Bad pain day?  Throw a plate!  Pissed about something at work?  Hit a mirror with a hammer!  Just in a mood? Break a wine glass & scream!  This idea is really growing on me.  Off I go to research where I can find one of these spots near me.

Seems it will take the idea of smashing stuff to make me smile & feel just a little bit younger....

<3 Vicky

 

 

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