Unexpected Triggers
In this blog, I've written once before about a stranger noticing the bumper sticker on my Subaru (it says 'I hope something good happens to you today') and telling me that they hoped I also had something good happen to me.
Recently, I had another stranger at the post office tell me that they really liked this bumper sticker, citing how impatient and mean people have seemed to be lately. She said it was refreshing to see someone trying to make others smile & feel good.
In the same day, I received a message on LinkedIn from a previous colleague. I didn't work very long with this individual, but the culture of the organization we worked at was less than stellar. This individual praised me for sharing my journey, both the ups and downs, in this blog. He said how he struggled to share as openly as I had and that he truly appreciated my candor. The message brought a warmth to my heart as he said he just wanted me to know that my sharing had helped at least one person.
As we are rapidly approaching Christmas and New Years, I can't help but think about the pros and cons that come along with the holiday season. It's different for everyone, of course, but I think that there are likely bright moments that bring joy in addition to trying moments that might stir up some angst.
The holiday season is a time for family and friends. We all want to rest, relax and spend time with our loved ones, especially the ones we may not get to see that often. But while there's merry-making and clinking of glasses, this season can also be tough when we think about loved ones that are missing or if we feel like we haven't accomplished what we had hoped to this year.
I've found myself looking at my own family, albeit a small sample size, and can't help but feel the hurt and sadness beneath the anger that has been a constant for most of us lately (extenuating circumstances have been around for 2+ years now...). I've always believed that family is supposed to be there for you no matter the situation, but I haven't felt like most of my family has had time to breathe, let alone really take time to check in on me these past two years.
Normally, family traditions tend to be a big part of the festive season. But what happens when those traditions fall away? Or are the holidays just pomp and circumstance to hide those cracks below?
I've been told before that I'm too blunt because I speak my mind, especially with those close to me, like family and friends. But, I feel that these people are the ones that you should be able to speak your mind with most. The unfortunate part about this is, when the going gets tough and you don't have much of an outlet, harsh words spoken in haste or being ignored by family can cut even deeper.
I often think about the rifts that exist across my own family tree and the extended family that doesn't seem to care to know me, even when I try to bridge the gap. As I look at the fake Christmas tree in my own home, with its missing pine smell, I see our ornaments. These are meant to remind me of trips or special moments. Instead, I'm struck by the contrast that seems to surround the holidays. The (sometimes) forced cheer mixed with genuine caring can be confusing.
Chronic pain is one major factor in my life that has caused me to shift my perspective. I wish it hadn't. It's as if my worldview has a sheen of grime on it since I've been dealing with my back injury (2017-ish). I don't see the silver linings as easily as I once did. The grass on both sides looks a bit more dull. Instead of positivity coming naturally to me, as it always used to, I find it being more and more challenging for me.
Who could have predicted that two people I don't know that well telling me that what I put out into the world had a positive effect on them would trigger me to reflect?
With the holidays, of course, also comes the new year. Reflection can also come naturally as we look to the future. I've never been big into resolutions, but my chronic pain has pushed me even further away from making any hard promises there. I can't predict the future, so specific goals ebb and flow. This often means that my mood also ebbs and flows, much as I try to not let it.
Instead of set goals this year, I'm really hoping to focus on identifying unexpected triggers for myself. Why did two strangers saying kind words to me cause me to reflect? And why was that reflection somewhat tinged with bitterness?
Is it because I'm still mourning the loss of self that began when my chronic pain became a staple of my life? Can I mourn that & still explore what might be next for me? These ideas, much like a lot of what I talk about here, seem to be at odds. Am I contradicting myself so that I can more deeply explore the root causes of these emotions?
With all of these questions, thoughts and musings, I'm not sure there is a set direction for me yet in 2025. But, I do know that I WANT to be hopeful and optimistic. I think that is evident from the perspective seeking I've been working on since this all began.
On a positive note, I did finish those travel journals that I mentioned wanting to get wrapped up before the end of the year. AND - I even began scrapbooking these trips. Having keepsakes from trips and travel is something that I think I inherited from my father, the king of being behind the camera, documenting both the important and mundane moments alike. He recently was able to digitize many old home movies that he made during my childhood. We watched a few over the Christmas holiday this year & I hope to revisit more of them during our next visit - what a wild ride to see little Victoria navigating her world, trying to make sense of it all.
<3 Vicky
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