The Big 3-0 Brings Reflection

I started writing this blog post in December of 2021.  And then, other things got in the way of me having the energy and motivation to finish it.  I didn't get very far on it - only two paragraphs - and most of the content was just details on how my parents bought a cake for me to share with my housemates on the actual weeknight of my birthday.  I think this is because I needed some time to sit with the idea of what it means to be 30 to me.

It's been about three months now.  Three months of 30.  And to be completely honest, I've had a plethora of feelings about what this age might mean to me.  These thoughts and emotions have run the gambit from intense feelings of gratitude and joy to the crushing weight of a feeling of failure.

I think that this type of chaos in emotions and mental state stems partly from the generation that I was born into (millennial), partly from how I was raised (catholic and fiscally conservative), and then more largely from the type of person that I am (stubborn and type A) and the type of cards that I have been dealt that were meant to challenge me.  Doesn't that in itself sound a little chaotic?

Many people dread this birthday, but I honestly have been feeling older than my age for some time now.  For those who haven't read any of my previous blog posts, I had a major spinal surgery when I was about to turn 28, after two years of attempting to heal a herniated disc with more conservative treatments (physical therapy, cortisone injections and low impact physical activity).  I am also, or was, or am still trying to be.... an athlete.  It is part of my identity and always has been.  This is part of the reason why this particular card that was dealt to me was so life altering.  It attacked something that was at my core and tried to destroy it.  And to be honest, while I was in the thick of those 3-4 years, it was dark.  I am grateful for my friends and family who were there to support me even when I felt like I was a burden to them.  I still have days where I am in pain or struggle with the fact that I have to consciously select which high impact activities are important enough to me that I will deal with the potential repercussions that might occur from my participation.

Basketball, for instance, is something that I refuse to give up.  I play in a co-ed social league with folks of varying ages and abilities, but a large percentage of the players are competitive.  I wear ankle braces and knee pads to reduce the level of impact to my joints and have to force myself to come out of the game for breaks as needed.  I can't leave it ALL on the court anymore, unless I want to feel it for days after.

I was recently having a conversation with my housemate about one of our favorite shows, New Girl.  This show has six seasons, with a pretty substantial time gap between the last two seasons.  She and I were discussing how we thought it was odd that the show made the jump over about a 5 year time period.  She and I then came to the realization that we are in those years that the show left out.  The producers made a conscious choice to skip over these years because it is the time that many of us are heads down, hustling and trying to make a life for ourselves.  These years aren't always the most glamorous or fun, but the grind is essential to make the next chapter that much better.  Now, that's not to say that season 6 was the best season of the show..... because I definitely don't agree with that personally.  But, it was funny to make this realization with my friend, who is 31 herself, and might feel a lot of the same things that I'm feeling about this time.

While I have had a few crappy cards come my way, I think it is so important to remember all of the good that there is in my life too.  I am blessed to have a family that cares greatly about me and would do anything in their power to support me in almost whatever endeavor I want to explore.  Of course, my family has it's issues, but I know that they are always there for me.  And this current time is the beginning of the expansion of my brother's family.  He got married a year ago and welcome my nephew into the world right before my 30th birthday.  I finally get to meet that little cutie, Maksimilian, this month and can't wait to become the crazy Aunt Vicky that he talks about years down the line.

With the expansion of my brother's family, I naturally have been thinking about a family of my own.  I don't feel that I'm ready right now, but I do believe that I can see that being possible at the edge of a 5 year plan for me.  A lot can happen between then and now, that's for sure.  Another challenge that I have had to confront recently has to do with my maternal familial history.  In essence, both my maternal grandmother and Mom went into menopause much earlier than is typical.  This medical history combined with the biological trend of reduced egg production and quality after 30 caused me to do some hormonal testing just prior to my 30th birthday.  It wasn't much of a surprise to hear that freezing some eggs would be a good idea for me if I wanted to not rush to have kids right away.  I could write a whole separate post about this process and I might because I read a bunch of articles myself before I decided to go through my freezing cycle.  In short, I'm not as scared of needles as I was before and I can confirm that hormone injections make you sort of manic and unpredictable.  But then again, isn't that sort of how life feels sometimes?

I am lucky that my company was very productive this past year and offered every employee a bonus around year end, as that helped me to partially fund the very expensive (and normally not covered by insurance) process of egg freezing.  My boss said that he hoped I would be able to put the bonus towards something fun for myself..... I'm not quite sure that I would consider what I used it for as fun, but it was definitely for my future self.

As a millennial,  I'm used to being told that I don't have my priorities right or that I'm ruining the economy because of my lifestyle choices.  I grew up with the internet and smartphones.  I'm used to being connected and don't like the idea of living to work.  I am very lucky to be one of the few millennials who had their parents cover the cost of college for me, so I didn't have student loans looming over me when I got into the workforce.  My generation in general is making less money and having to pay off large amounts of debt before they can think about buying a home or starting a family.  During this pandemic, being an online native has helped me maintain social connection, but also pushed me to set boundaries for screen time as it can have negative effects on my mental health.  Mental health is something that I find is becoming more and more common place to discuss, at least to some extent.  This is something that I am proud of my generation for leading the way on.  I even saw something from the Beijing 2022 winter Olympics that spoke about the human aspect of the athletes.  Just because they are worlds better at these sporting events than the average person, that doesn't mean that they don't feel the disappointment of failure.

Because I grew up Catholic, I was taught to always think of others.  I also naturally am an empath, so putting myself in someone else's shoes is something that I feel I am constantly doing.  This message was so constant, that I do think it caused me to struggle to focus on myself when it is necessary.  This has been a battle that I am still working on, even as I enter my 30s.  When I make decisions, I consider how they effect most people around me.  I agonize over decisions sometimes because I am trying to figure out how I can make the majority of people happy.  I feel responsible for other's happiness.  Yet, I am incredibly hard on myself due to my type A personality.  I have no issue telling a close friend that they need to take a break or be patient with themselves through a tough time, but rarely feel that these things are okay for myself.  Why do I hold myself to such a high standard?  I don't think I want to change this necessarily, but I have found myself trying to understand it more and more as I get older. 

I'm not sure that the journey to understanding myself will ever really end.  And while it's annoying as hell sometimes to have these thoughts, I'm also grateful that I am curious to know more about what makes me tick, so to speak.  I think that age has given me the confidence to push back a bit on what is 'normal' for me.  Even though a part of me freaks out when I think about changing those almost inherent parts of myself, another part is thankful that I am trying to ensure that I'm doing things that are good for me as I am now.

I'll end this post by sharing that this year, my friends and family threw me a surprise birthday dinner.  I really didn't have any idea it was happening up until just before the actual event and it was so incredible to see so many people I love in person (and also so many from afar joining over Zoom!).  You know who you all are <3.  It just goes to show you that you get back the energy that you put into those close relationships.  And that true friends get that you can't always be on.  They love you even at your low points and amidst your struggles, because you would do that same for them.

Here's to (at least) 30 more!

<3 Vicky