The Feeling of Failure

 


Lately, I've been feeling as if I'm on a roller coaster for a number of varying reasons.  Personal physical struggles and a greater mental stress load due to family and planning being just two of the multiple reasons.  As the holidays approach this year, things are looking a little bit different and I'm trying my best to take that in stride.  (Spoiler alert: I don't think that I'm doing that great with it....)

As some might have read from my last post, I have very recently allowed myself to get back into playing in a social basketball league.  A large part of me is insanely happy to be back out on the court and can acknowledge that it just feels good to be playing again.  Another part, however, can't help but notice that my body is not responding in kind.  The random bruises and scratches that I used to wear as badges of honor are now weighing more heavily on my spirit and my body.  

During our first game, I hit the floor pretty hard a couple of times.  One of those times, I landed on the knee of my right leg (the leg that has been battling residual nerve pain for almost two years now).  I didn't have my knee braces with me for this game, as I wasn't sure the level of play to expect.  The playing turned out to be skilled and challenging, another thing that I have always leaned into and loved.  The pain of this first fall nearly brought me to tears and I hobbled off the court to sit the last couple minutes of the game.  I had played decently, but could notice that my running cardio was not up to snuff.  Even my consistency with my Peloton bike couldn't prepare me fully for getting back into a type of physical activity that my body hadn't done in years.

Much of basketball involves muscle memory and feels sort of like riding a bicycle.  Things come back to you as you get back into it.  Confidence, however, doesn't bounce back.  Instead, you have to rebuild it, bit by bit.  Rebuilding confidence takes grit.  It takes hard work, consistency, sweat, and even tears.  I have felt TONS of emotions over the course of my recovery, and continue to fluctuate on a day to day basis.

I bought a shirt recently that said it so well:  "Healing isn't linear".  While the shirt (& the company) have an amazing and positive mission to spread the idea that acknowledging mental health issues is HEALTHY, the sentence on this shirt can also make those who are in recovery feel a slew of frustrations.  It is a statement of fact.  Healing, of any sorts, is often not linear.  Whether it be from a physical wound, such as my back surgery, or a more internal struggle such as an eating or anxiety disorder, the ups and downs can be exhausting.

I wear that shirt now to remind myself that I am most own biggest critic.  I think that those going through healing of any sorts might be able to relate to this feeling.  It is the feeling of failure.  When the healing process knocks you down a few pegs, it hurts and sometimes makes you not want to get back up right away.

But, eventually, you do get back up.  Because that's all you can do.  I took a couple of weeks off of basketball, both to give my body a break and because of other responsibilities.  This week is our last regular season game and I'll be there, ready to go.

<3 Vicky


  

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