A Hesitant Shot



Today I registered for a basketball league that starts at the end of September. I have many mixed feelings about it. I am excited to get back on the court, but also apprehensive. I haven't run in a very long time. I do feel like I have a decent amount of cardiovascular work under my belt from being consistent with my Peloton.... but cycling and running are not the same. I don't know how my body will react to getting back into the higher impact of running.

I also haven't played a proper game of basketball in years now.  I have done some shooting around and working on my form on my own, but the competitive nature of the game is something that I haven't experienced in quite some time.  I'm trying to stay optimistic and positive, but I hate to say that it isn't always easy.

A game.  That's what basketball is supposed to be.  But it was such a big part of my life that it felt like part of who I was..... who I still am trying to be to some extent?  I thought this might be the right time to share a letter that I wrote on behalf of an organization whose mission I greatly identify with.  I've spoken about this organization once or twice before.  It's called Sidelined USA and I've linked their website if you'd like to learn more.

I've volunteered to share my story with them in multiple ways.  I am going to make myself available as a mentor for the organization and offer my experience to those who are dealing with diagnosis or injuries similar in nature to what I dealt with.  I have also written a letter to my Sidelined Self for this organization and this letter will be shared in care packages sent to other athletes dealing with the challenging first stages of a potential career ending injury.  I've included the letter below.  Perhaps it might put in perspective some of the things that signing up for a social league can bring up for someone like me.

Until next time....

-Vicky

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Dear Sidelined Self,

Today was the day that you couldn’t take the pain anymore and decided that you needed to get an MRI.  You, the stubborn person that you are, went to your 9am grad school class and then walked across the street to Tufts Medical Center.  They sent you to the ER and you sent a snapchat to your intramural basketball team of you being pushed through the hospital in a wheelchair.  Their responses make you cry - the sarcastic ‘so we’ll see you at the game tomorrow’ speaks to your normal ability to fight through anything to play the game.  At this moment, you don’t know when you’ll play basketball again.  You have a herniated disc.  Two actually.  And your L5-S1 is the reason that you are in constant pain. You feel like you need to scream.  Cry.  Hide.  Maybe you want to do all of those things all at once.  This isn’t what you expected.  It isn’t what anyone expects when it happens.  

This journey isn’t going to be an easy one.  You can’t predict any of the twists and turns of how you handle this injury, and frankly you really shouldn’t try to.  Now I know you’ll probably ignore this advice, at least at first, and I’m here to tell you that that’s okay too.  You’re allowed to be feeling whatever it is that you are feeling.  Confusion.  Anger.  Sadness.  Frustration.  Anxiety.  Fear.  You fear that you’ve lost who you are.  You’ve always been an athlete.  Your athleticism, your strength and even your independence have been ripped away from you because of this injury.  But, you will soon discover that you are more than those things that feel like they are being taken from you.  You will use your stubborn nature to push forward and you will ultimately find that you are more capable that you first believed.  This journey will highlight your emotional side and bring out a self-compassion that you have been fighting against for much of your life.  You’ve always been the one to take care of others and through this involuntary struggle, you will learn how to put yourself first when necessary.  Speak up when you need to.  Scream when you need to.  Cry when you need to.  But don’t let this one event take away your spark.  You are unique.  And you are powerful in ways that you maybe can’t see right now.  You are also not alone in this fight.  There are other athletes going through similar struggles, thinking they are alone too.

Talk to others.  Tell your story.  You can help through your words and your writing.  And don’t stop trying to find people who understand what you are going through.  Comradery is important during this time, just like it is on the basketball court.  And you will be involved in your sport again, even if it looks different than it did before.  It is still a part of you and no one can take that away from you.  As Coach Scott always said, ‘If you believe, you will achieve’.  Believe that you can get through this rough patch because I believe in you.

<3 Victoria 

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