Identity in Crisis

I tried a different type of Peloton class today, HIIT and Hills.  For those who don't know, HIIT stands for high intensity interval training.  This type of training involves bursts of intense effort with short recoveries in between.  Hills on the bike are similar, but normally involve strength pushes with high levels of resistance instead of speed.   In the past this class would have been right up my alley, but today it was unnerving.  I was struggling to keep up with my own expectations and also grappling with the feeling that if I pushed too hard, I would reinjure myself and increase the pain in my back and leg.

For those of you that have read more of my blog, you know that I'm a few months past the one year anniversary of my microdiscectomy back surgery.  Before deciding to have the surgery, I struggled for two years with trying to heal myself conservatively with physical therapy, needling, epidural injections, changing my lifestyle and dealing with the high levels of every day pain.  That's three years of my life where I just haven't been the same.

We, as humans, have complicated identities.  I've done some research recently about how we develop our personalities and different aspects of those identities.  Psychology Today states that identity formation involves three key tasks.  These tasks are: discovering and developing one's potential, choosing one's purpose in life, and finding opportunities to exercise that potential and purpose.  It also says how major life upheavals can lead people to explore and redefine their identities.

As we go through life, most of us are trying to figure out who we are and where we belong.  Psychologist Erik Erikson proposed that our life cycle has 8 stages, with different aspects of our identity being developed at each stage.  For my purposes, it actually does help to explain these stages.  

Stage one, birth to 18 months, is when individuals develop their sense of trust.  Success in this stage leads to hope, while failure can cause a child to have no confidence in the world.  Stage two, 18 months to 3 years, is when an individuals develops their sense of autonomy.  Success here leads to virtue of will, while failure means feelings of inadequacy and a tendency to depend too much on others.  Stage three, 3-5 years, is when a child starts asking lots of questions as they play.  Success here means the development of purpose while failure leads to feelings of guilt and the belief that one is a nuisance.  Stage four, 5-12 years, is when peer influence gains significance.  Success here gives way to feelings of competence, while failure means feelings of inferiority.  For stage four, it is important that an individual experiences some failure, so that they can develop a sense of modesty.  Stage five, 12-18 years, is when we begin to learn the role that we will play as adults.  Success here leads to fidelity and the ability to commit oneself to others on the basis of accepting others.  Failure, however, means that an individual will not be sure of themselves or their place in society.  Stage six, 18-40 years, is one of the longest stages.  Individuals are seeking to form intimate and loving relationships with others in this stage.  This is the stage in which my age would have me reside.  Success in this stage leads to love, a sense of commitment, and feelings of safety and care in one's relationships.  Stage seven, 40 to 65 years, is the time when individuals feel the need to create or nurture things that will outlast them.  During this time, people give back to society by raising children or being productive at work.  Success here leads to the virtue of care and failure leads to feelings of stagnation.  Stage eight, 65 years to death, is the last stage of Erikson's theory.  As individuals approach the end of their lives, they reflect.  Failure here means feeling regret, bitterness or despair.  Success, however, leads to the virtue of wisdom as individuals look back on their lives with a sense of closure and completeness.

All of this research was inspired by my current feelings surrounding the idea of personal identity.  I've lived my life doing my best to embrace my 'weird' and not be forced into any one archetype.  I've always been incredibly motivated and type A.  If I commit to a project, I am going to produce excellent work and be proud of the outcome.  I like doing things that are out of the ordinary, to have new experiences and broaden my outlook on life.  I started a robotics team in my high school even though it is so very evident that engineering is my brother's sphere and not my own.  I wore sparkly converse to the prom because my date would have been shorter than me in heels and was feeling self-conscious about it.  I volunteered at a handicapped riding center where I worked with horses and disable children.  I've never been afraid to try new things or go out of my comfort zone, mostly because I felt confident in who I was as a person.

I was and am also very competitive, especially when it comes to sports.  I've loved the periods in my life where I was honing my skills on the basketball court.  Even when I stopped playing D3 ball, I continued with the sport in a more recreational sense.  To be honest though, I made sure to find my way into the most competitive recreational leagues that I could.  I wanted to be challenged.

Athlete was one of my main identifiers for the majority of my life.  I say was because I personally have a hard time calling myself that now.   It feels inauthentic.  Hypocritical, even.  And as I've learned in my research, authenticity is correlated with many aspects of psychological well-being.  Each day is a battle for me as I TRY to move towards 'the old me', fearing that I won't even get close to where I was.

When all of this chronic pain crap started, I fought tooth and nail to maintain this physical part of my identity.  I was not a stranger to pushing through pain in the past.  Yet, now in recovery, I feel weak.  My inability to not compare my current self to my past self has made my journey that much more difficult. 

I recently stumbled upon an organization called Sidelined USA, a nonprofit 'which exists to reunite permanently-sidelined athletes with their passions and equips them to find a meaningful way forward through resources, connection, and new pursuits.'  While I don't believe that I will never play the sport of basketball again, I know that I will not perform at the level I have before.  The game will not be as competitive and I wonder how I will feel about this whenever it happens.

I participated in a research survey, associated with Illinois State University, where Sidelined USA aims to gain insight from athletes who have had to stop playing due to medical reasons.  I immediately reached out to one of my best friends, who also had to stop playing their sport due to medical reasons to let them know of the organization.  Their situation is somewhat different as they were a football player who got their third concussion and decided to stop playing in order to protect their brain.  But nevertheless, this nonprofit offers a network of other individuals who might be able to understand how someone like me feels.  Having the shared experience of loss of identity is something that is hard to manufacture.  No matter how hard those around me might try to sympathize, it is quite challenging to understand if you have not had the experience itself.

Identity, of course, is a deeply complicated matter.  Psychology Today carefully reminds us that identity is not something that is fixed.  While we do tend to cultivate and grow into a personalized identity throughout the length of our lives, 'a person can become who they want to be by changing their actions at every given moment.'  This comes with the acknowledgment that our actions and self-perception are much harder to change when we have lived with them for so long.  This is meant to provide hope for those that are struggling to adapt to identity shifts, whether it be forced or by choice.

This pandemic, the era of COVID-19, is ripe with identity crises.  While my identity journey began more so due to an injury and chronic pain, many during this time have been thrust into a similar fog of uncertainty in their lives.  Whether it be job loss, the coming together or work and home life, casualty of loved ones, crippling feelings of isolation or any other number of emotions that might have come up - many in this time are grappling with the broad question of how to handle themselves.

Now, I can't begin to offer solutions for a number of these situations because I have not experienced them myself.  I can, however, offer empathy in the form of understanding.  I try to approach each interaction I have during this time with the idea that everyone is going through something right now.  I think this practice of empathy is something that I've defaulted to for most of my life.  It is this empathy that has motivated me to choose the professional path that I am on.  The idea of corporate wellness truly comes down to the concept of care.

I sometimes feel like I'm rambling when I discuss personal challenges, but I also normally tend to find some way that what I'm going through can relate to many other individuals.  After all, we are human.

So, if you happen to read this and it resonates with you, feel free to reach out to share your story.  I personally am still working on figuring out what my future identity is going to be, but I recognize that what I have been through has impacted me.  And that this pandemic continues to impact me and many others in various ways.  I like to think that the outcome of this all will be positive, as internal examination and an openness to change seems to be the key to resilience.  So whether it is on the individual level or even a more corporate level, we can get through this together.

-Vicky