One Year

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my spine surgery.  The photo above was one of my first MRIs.... of many....  So much has happened between then and now, yet it also feels like not that much has happened.

I finished my graduate school program and earned my masters degree in intervention, communication and behavior change.  I didn't have a real graduation, although my school did host a virtual ceremony.  The pandemic reared its ugly head.  Three weddings I was supposed to be in got postponed, two of those three bachelorette parties that I was planning got postponed (and I still don't know exactly when those might happen....).  A fourth wedding that I was going to attend got cancelled completely, as the couple actually broke up.  My brother got engaged while he and his now fiancé were living at my parent's Florida house and working from home.  They are planning an intimate wedding this coming January in FL, but everyone who is going (all maybe 12 people) are getting there a week early to quarantine and get COVID tested.  Summer came and went, without many of the usual adventures that make summer so fun.  I didn't even get to spend that much time on the beach, one of my favorite places.  I had two roommates move out of my house, leaving me scrambling to fill rooms in a terrible rental market.  I have applied to so many jobs (the count is now 135), have had interviews and been notified that I won't be continuing in the hiring process.  I had a friend of mine who was a recovering alcoholic pass away suddenly, as his rehab center sent patients home due to COVID=19.  His parents held a celebration of life months later in and outdoor space and many tears were shed as memories were shared.  I bought a Peloton, frustrated by the fact that I couldn't find anything else that I could do for physical activity without irritating my recovering spine.  I sometimes still get irritation even from the stationary bike and want to scream when this happens.  I'm nannying 30 hours a week and doing two internships and a research project.  That sounds like a lot, but I'm only getting paid for the nannying.  The internships and research project are much more engaging in my field of corporate employee culture, but the kids are cute and I need to make some money as I continue to search for a job.  I miss my friends.  I try to schedule phone calls and video chats, but want to hug them and go on adventures that I know just aren't possible right now.

In many ways, I feel like I'm in the same place.  I still wake up every morning with nerve pain.  I still have to take Gabapentin each morning to help me manage pain.  I take this twice a day and don't see myself being able to cut back anytime soon.  This invisible pain is aggravating.  I don't always know how to talk about it.  Sometimes I just get grumpy or become short with people because I'm not dealing with it well.  I feel that all my friends hear from me about my pain and how I struggle with it, when instead I want to be hearing about their lives and what things we may plan for the future.  I know some people have said that 2020 has been a waste of a year and some days I can't help but feel the same way.

I'm not happy with where I'm at, but I am doing things to try and move forward.  It's definitely not always easy and I have bad days where I want to give up.  But, I also have good days and I try to focus on those to the best of my ability.  Looking forward to all the things that have been postponed, even if I don't know when exactly they will happen, also helps.  I think being home for the holidays with my family will be good for me too.

I want to try my best to not lose my holiday spirit, as Christmas is one of my favorite holidays.  It's my hope that decorating and drinking hot cocoa as it starts to get chilly with brighten my spirits.  And so will giving my friends and family the gifts that I have for them, as their smiles always bring a smile to my face.

To everyone out their struggling, you are not alone.  I've always heard about what a difference even a day can make, yet a year has gone by for me without much pain change.  I can't give up hope and neither should you.

-Vicky

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