Out of Nowhere

Today, I went to get a COVID test.  This was not because I am having symptons, but instead because I will be driving to see my family soon.  I wanted to get a negative test so that I knew I was not bringing the coronavirus into my parents' home.  Plus, in MA we have access to free asymptomatic testing.

I went to one of the many free testing sites.  This one just happened to be in a hospital.  The process of getting tested required that you get registered in a tent that was set-up outside the building.  The sign-up process was actually quite simple and the workers were very pleasant and helpful.  I didn't expect it to go so quickly, but within ten or so minutes, I was waiting in line to enter the building.

At 9:45am today it was already in the mid 80s.  With the addition of a mask, it was quite warm and I was sweating.  This didn't seem unusual for me.  I am definitely someone who sweats a good amount and it doesn't take much for me to get overheated.  As we was nearing the entrance of the building, I was feeling pretty normal.  We got to the door and gave our names.  We were given a fresh disposable mask to put on and asked to sanitize our hands.  As we were walking to the elevator, I noticed the scent of the hospital hand sanitizer.

Suddenly, I was very much not okay.  We were in a well air-conditioned building at this point, but I was still sweating as if I was outside in the sun.  My stomach began feeling tight, yet also as if it was doing flips.  I felt like I was going to throw up, or worse.  I began feeling lightheaded and needed to keep bending my knees and putting my head down.  My skin felt clammy and I was feeling very hot.  I noticed that I was sweating through my shirt.

I didn't know what was happening.  I was waiting in line to get this covid test, but my mind and body were obviously freaking out for some other reason.  The actual test portion of this visit was relatively easy.  It was a nasal cavity swab, albeit not the most comfortable, but very quick.  Once I was done with the test, I ran to the bathroom.  I didn't know if I needed to use the bathroom or throw-up or just get a moment to myself out of the view of others.

I couldn't stand others seeing me having this weird reaction.  I didn't know why it was happening.  It was miserable and scary.  Nothing even happened while I was in the bathroom, except me trying to dry some of the sweat off of myself with paper towels.  As I left the bathroom and headed to the exit, I still wasn't sure what was happening to me.  

In the car ride back to my house, I had the AC blasting on my face and skin, trying to cool down.  I was feeling very out of it and couldn't focus on anything.  I didn't realize until we got home, but I had a death grip on my water bottle in my lap.

I think that I had a visceral reaction to being back in a hospital.  This was the first time that I had been in one since my terrible experience of my back surgery.  I guess I didn't consciously think that an experience would change how I reacted to things in the future.  One of my friends said that what I described to them sounded a lot like PTSD.  I don't know if I agree fully, but it does seem that my surgery adventure was traumatic for me.

Feeling like I couldn't control the reaction today was the hardest part.  I've been battling emotions related to this pandemic and job searching and recovery and some days it feels like I am not doing that great at handling anything.

I think it's important to remember where you've been.  And what you've been through.  Each individual has had their own unique journey.  We are all affected by things differently.  How I deal with something can be completely different from how someone else might deal with it and that's okay.  While today was scary and unexpected for me, it obviously means that I'm still working on my recovery.  I have some growing to do.  I hope that this can be a reminder to be more understanding towards myself.  And maybe it can serve as a reminder to others as well. 

-Vicky


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