One Hundred Elephants
The journey of job searching during a pandemic and while recovering from spinal surgery has been a wild ride. I feel like a broken record sometimes when I tell myself that there are so many others in my position of looking for work right now. I try to reaffirm that it isn't an easy job market right now. And then I remind myself that I don't want just any job. I want to get into the industry of corporate wellness. I know that this is where I am supposed to be.
On top of that, I have been so incredibly frustrated with my recovery from the microdisectomy that I went through last November. The MRI right after surgery was clear, indicating that surgery went well and that I should feel no nerve pain. I scoff as I write that because I still wake up every morning with nerve pain today, almost 8 months post-op. The sharp pain in my glute and down my hamstring is always there when I open my eyes and it makes me want to stay in bed often. After I take my meds for the nerve issue, the pain becomes manageable, but it still exists. I can't bend to touch my toes without a sharp shooting pain, so I haven't been able to do yoga again really yet. I've attempted to jog/run and feel incredibly out of shape and struggle with the summer heat lately. I go on long bike rides, which seem to be the best option as far as exercise, but it still is a challenge with the overwhelming heat that we have been experiencing.
It all really comes back to lack of control. I feel it in many places in my life right now. I can't control what the pandemic has taken away from me and eveyone else in the country. Social gatherings, celebrations, special events, a sense of security in going out into the world. I can't control companies that have been on hiring freezes or are still slow in their hiring because of said pandemic. I can't stop my nerve from being a total jerk and making me feel pain each day.
I've been taught to focus on what you CAN control when things feel overwhelming, but I bet that many agree with me when I say that doing so is incredibly challenging. Especially if you have been chugging along for quite some time without much change. I feel burnt out from putting a positive spin on things.
I can't help but think back to my behavior change theory class from grad school and one particular theory that has really stuck with me: The Dual-Process Model.
The basic premise of this theory is that we each have two opposing forces within us that affect our motivation. We each have an emotional side, our elephant, and a rational side, our rider. Imagine if you will a human being sitting atop of an elephant and trying to control the elephant 24/7. It's okay if you laughed when you imagined that. Because it is ridiculous. A human simply cannot control a multiple thousand pound animal at all times. Just as this seems exhausting, so is self-control. Self-control is a limited resource. We can run out of it. This is why so often individuals who are trying to lose weight or start a new exercise routine so often fall off the wagon. They are exhausted from fighting with their elephant all of the time!
The elephant wants instant gratification. It is also the entity that progresses us towards a goal. It can provide sprine stiffening when you need to stand up for yourself. It responds to love, compassion and sympathy. The rider holds the reins and seems to be in charge. It can brainstorm forever and still never make a decision. It provides planning and direction for behavior change, but needs the energy that the elephant provides to make progress.
The use of raw willpower to control impulses is characterized as the rider pulling on the reins to get the elephant to submit to their demands. The rider would clearly lose a long-term battle if willpower was the only tool utilized. In my current situation, I feel like my rider has a list of things that I know I should be doing each day - sending LinkedIn messages for networking, browsing job openings, applying to appropriate openings, writing blog posts, exercising, eating healthy, drinking water, contacting friends and family.... the list goes on. Lately, I've felt the elephant protesting more and more. It's as if my rider has been moderately tugging my elephant into line, to continue to do all of these things, keeping a positive attitude and being consistent. My elephant, on the other hand, wants all of the things that I can't control right now, or things that aren't the healthiest/safest for me. It wants social gatherings and fun, access to preferable methods of exercise (my parents' Peloton, for instance.... or a gym with weights), comfort summer foods like ice cream, for recruiters and hiring managers to get back to me, and overall to have lower levels of anxiety about the future.
I took a note in my behavior change class that I just looked back at and honestly love. It says 'Change is not hard because people are lazy, change is hard because people wear themselves out. What looks like laziness is often exhaustion.' I absolutely HATE the idea of others thinking of me as lazy, mostly because I have always prided myself on being productive, upbeat, active and busy. As I've been going through the motions of what my rider wants me to do, I have absolutely hit points where I start losing to the elephant. I'm often able to coax it back on track, but sometimes it feels healthier to just let myself feel the emotional and exhausted side. What sucks about this is that I feel as if I am being lazy when I do this. I feel that others are seeing me 'take a break' and therefore might think I'm not a hard-worker, or committed to what I'm trying to do. I never want to be seen this way. My work ethic has never been known to be lax, but even the perception of laziness is like a bad taste in my mouth when it surrounds me personally.
A lot of this discomfort is because I'm too type A for my own good. I'm the stereotypical person who is empathetic with everyone else and can help others deal with issues with ease, but is super hard on themself and doesn't take their own advice. If I imagined someone else in my position, I'd be much more gentle speaking to them than how I have been speaking to myself.
Why do I do this? Its habitual. My elephant responds to the personal pressure I put on it. At least, most days. Like I said, I have been hitting a wall recently where it feels like my elephant has decided that we are just going to sit down for some time and not go anywhere. It's comical when I picture this going on inside my mind. I'm glad that I can still find some humor in my frustration and exhaustion.
In my behavior change class, we also discussed how to make the elephant and rider work together in (mostly) harmony towards a specific goal. As an example, when an individual is trying to start eating healtheir, it is important that specific instructions are given. They can't just be told, 'hey, you should eat better'. Instead, perhaps this person would respond to an advertisement that promotes 1% milk as a lower fat dairy product that is still high in protein. The rider wants specific instructions on where they are going and how to get there. To get the elephant on board, it is important to engage with your emotions. Perhaps an individual is trying to eat healthier so that they might have more energy to play with their grandkids. And lastly, it's important to note outside forces when you are trying to shape the plan. For instance, using approriately sized plates and dishes to monitor portion sizes could help an individual stay on track.
So all of this serves to say that I am exhausted, but trying to push through and continue on my path. I do feel that my emotions (and elephant) are invested in what I am trying to do with my career. And I am definitely emotionally motivated to do what I can on the recovery side, so that I can eventually get back to 'normal' for my phsysical activity. But at the same time, I need to recognize that breaks are necessary and not worry as much about what others might perceive these breaks as. I am not a lazy individual, but I am human. When I get tired or worn out, I have often joked about wanting to be a robot so that I didn't have to feel any of that..... I do hope that processing and working through the complicated feelings that come up as we continue through this pandemic will ultimately make me a stronger.
-Vicky
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