Shock and Loss


I am still not sure that I know what to say.  Last week, I lost a friend.  One of my boyfriend's roommates.  Brendan.  I just teared up when I typed his name.  He was found dead in his room by his other roommates.  I can't even imagine how scarring that must have been for them....  He was 30 years young and could most often be found smiling, like he is in this picture.

It wasn't COVID-19 directly that caused this, but I do believe that it played a large part.  This friend had been struggling with alcoholism, a crutch that many turn to when life gets tough.  He had been through some very challenging things in that past few years and I honestly don't blame him for feeling like he needed to lean on something.  He was trying to work on his addiction and was in rehab up until a few weeks ago.  The rehab center closed due to COVID and sent all of their patients home.

This era of COVID is uncertain and unsettling for even the most content individuals.  I felt comradery with Brendan because he and I were both searching for jobs when companies are not hiring, and feeling the financial stress of what that means.  He recently dealt with a bout of nerve failure and was going through physical therapy like myself.  I remember talking to him not that long ago about how frustrating the process of recovery can be.  A small movement in physical therapy can feel impossible and make you feel like such a failure.  You can make some forward progress only to be setback the next week.  It can be incredibly disheartening.

I know that during my recovery, I have had times where I've felt depressed and hopeless.  I can imagine that Brendan might have been struggling with this as well.  Feeling depressed is so incredibly common today that we often forget that it can have such serious consequences.  And depression doesn't effect everyone the same way, so there is no 'one size fits all' treatment.  An individual who is struggling with depression has to want to ask for help.  Unfortunately, I don't think that Brendan felt that he could do that.  Whenever we would talk to him, he would tell us that he was okay and doing well.  He said that the night before he was found in a text.

I don't think it feels real all of the time.  I don't know if it will until I get back to Massachusetts.  The night that I heard consisted mostly of me crying, but also trying to be strong and be there for my boyfriend, who was much closer to him than me.  I suggested that he take off of work and that we go on an adventure the following day.  His boss obviously didn't have a problem with it and it was good to get outside and be doing things, but there was still a sheen of sorrow over everything.

I think that almost everyone I know is dealing with some form of loss during this time.  Whether it's the loss of a person, loss of a job, loss of a pet, loss of time with friends or even just the general lack of normalcy, COVID-19 was a shock to the world's system.  Because I'm a health nerd and also struggling with this loss, I went ahead and did some research on the science of grief and loss and how it affects us.

Unfortunately for all of us, grief has a physical effect on one of our most important systems.... our immune system.  Something that we actually need to be strong for us so that we can survive this outbreak is actually weakened because we are all so stressed about the outbreak.  GREAT.  There is literally something called 'broken heart syndrome' that happens with extreme stress where changes in heart muscle cells prevent the heart from contracting properly.  So just to be clear, loss and grief and stress can cause some very real effects on us.

Some other things that can happen when dealing with the grief of loss are: having trouble sleeping, seeing lack of interest in things you normally liked, feeling angry, losing one's appetite or having general aches and pains.  Most doctors suggest that when experiencing these things it is important to push yourself to go through the motions of normalcy.  Making sure to move, eat well and try to keep a sleep schedule will all help with the coping process.  Although, they also recognize that during the intial grieving period, these things may be harder.  Surrounding yourself with a strong social circle is also imperative.  I've found myself trying to socially isolate on occasion when feeling symptoms of grief and have pushed myself to reach out to a few of my closest friends during those times when I really don't want to.   Social connection in times of grief remind you that you are not alone in your feelings.

Now, especially, mourning a loss can be even more challenging.  While you may need a hug and some comfort, we are all supposed to be social distancing.  When someone passes away, you can't have the normal ceremonies, such as funerals or celebrations of life, that you might otherwise have to commiserate with their family and friends.  I've personally found myself randomly feeling the need to text my friends that I love them and just wanted/needed them to know that.  I don't want anyone that is someone I know to be feeling that they are forgotten or alone in whatever they are feeling at this time.  Of course, they also have to want to talk with me or want support for me to help in any way.

I know that myself and my boyfriend have been feeling some sort of survivor's guilt in relation to our recent loss.  We weren't around our friend much lately because we were visiting my family.  It can be so incredibly easy to slip into guilt here.  Could we have made a differencce in what happened?  Would it have happened if we were still around and trying to socialize with him?  Should we have been paying more attention to him?  Was there anything else that we could have done?  But we just CAN'T sink into these thoughts.  We have to know that we were supportive friends and none of this was in any way our fault.  I find myself repeating this over and over sometimes.....but I do know deep down that it is true.  I just wish that this didn't happen.

It becomes hard to look the future when we are in an era of a pandemic.  When the loss is more relating to having a schedule, seeing friends, and knowing what 'normal' is, most of us expect these things to return.  However, we have absolutely no idea when that will happen.

I wish I had the right words to help everyone with whatever they are dealing with right at this time.  I know that is pretty much impossible, but I still try my best.  Whoever you are reading this, know that whatever your scenario is, you will get through it.  I'm right there with you, hating the uncertainty and cruelty of some of the things that have occured.  If you do know me, expect me to be randomly reaching out to you.  If you don't know me, feel free to randomly email me.  I'll do my best to help talk through whatever you're dealing with.

As I deal with my own personal shock and feelings of loss, I know that I am not alone.  That may not make it much easier, but it does help me acknowledge that grieving is a natural process.  I hope this post might help others do the same.

-Vicky

R.I.P Brendan Hatin
You are already missed.

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